On your marks, get set...

Here we are, the starting line. I am not entirely sure how to start this, so I am just going to cut right into it.

As many of you know, I've struggled with weight for a long time. Not so much in a super public way, since I am very shy about discussing anything related to my size or self esteem, but I think it has been noticeable. I've gone through more steady times than others, but for the better part of my 25 years I have been overweight. I have half-heartedly attempted a few things here and there, but never made it past a few days, maybe weeks without giving up. I'm a creature of habit, and I am weak.

I've tried to make up for that weakness by pretending that it doesn't bother me. That I am who I am and that is who I was made to be. And really, for a long time, that was true. For as long as I could remember I was always bigger than the other girls, so I didn't worry about it. Because it was just part of who I was. 

But in the last few years, it has really taken a toll on me emotionally. The last 3 years have brought a lot of change in my life, and I was eating right through all of those emotions, never really dealing with any of them. And then my weight became something that overshadowed what I thought other people could possibly see in me. Friends, family, total strangers, it didn't matter. The way I saw it, the first thing everyone would notice about me was my size. So I pretended on the outside that it didn't matter, that I didn't care. But on the inside I was hurting, yet unwilling to do anything about it because I had myself convinced that I was beyond hope. That it was too hard and too much work, and that just like every other time I would fail.

And to top it all off, that's just half of a vicious circle! Because when I felt bad, I would eat; drown my sorrows in the very thing that was making me sad.

I am done feeling worthless. I am done sitting around.

I'm not interested in delving deep into my childhood to find some reason that I have issues with food, because I don't think it goes that far. I don't eat a lot because I wasn't hugged enough as a kid or anything like that. If anything it would have to be the opposite! But here is what it has been: 

A coping mechanism.

An escape.

A hobby.

A treat.

A secret.

A crutch.

A power trip.

But no more! Through some prayer, encouragement and lots of pros-and-cons lists, I have taken two major steps toward a healthier life. One, I joined a gym. I have already started working it into my routine, and it is really empowering to walk out of there covered in sweat because I put in some good time there. Two, I have joined Weight Watchers. I have a whole host of tools with me at all times on my phone (AWESOME.) and the two meetings I have attended were super encouraging.

Already, some days are better than others. I have pitfalls and discouragements that still have and will continue to trip me up. But now I am learning to turn those moments into reminders and not excuses. I've already made conscious decisions based on my feelings the last time I did something I regretted later, all because I have decided to view them that way.

So far, I have only set a few small term goals. Lose 10 pounds, go to the gym 4 times a week, only have one drink at work... (for those of you that don't know, that's Starbucks.) But most of all, start this blog. Like I said earlier, I have a super hard time talking about myself in this way. Writing this blog will accomplish a few things at once for me. One, I have always sort of thought I could be good at writing a blog, but I never had a good subject matter to revolve it around. Two, I can put all my feelings down in words and put them out there for the whole world to see. (scary!) Three, I am so blessed to be surrounded by people that love me. Even if we have never breached this subject before, I want to share this journey with you. I NEED to share it with you. I will try to post at least once a week, but maybe more frequently. Most of all, I pledge to be honest. It would be super easy to edit my life down to the good parts for a blog. But life doesn't have a backspace! And while I will correct spelling errors and typos, I will not edit my life just because I can.

My long term goal is to lose 151 pounds. Practically half of myself! I thought long and hard about that goal, because it is substantial. But in the end, it seemed ridiculous to limit my goal setting just because it would make the overall number seem less scary. And I think I sort of needed a crazy number. Something that seems impossible. It will be that much sweeter when I achieve it.


So here we go! The journey begins. Thanks for joining me on it. Don't feel obligated to comment on or even read what I have to say... this isn't an exercise in vanity for me or a venue for flattery. It's an honest airing of something I haven't had the courage to put into words for far too long. So I'll quit rambling and end this post the way I will begin the rest...

Starting weight: 286
Current weight: 284
Goal weight: 135
Pounds to go: 149